So This blog is one, barren and two, just sad. I need to stop complaining so much. So here’s to a new blog start.
Oh I have a new job……I don’t, but maybe if I keep lying to you and myself it’ll just kinda happen. Pretty much all that is going on in my life is me figuring out where I may end up living in a month to a year, writing for my rp and drawing here and there…oh and of course tumblr; my other tumblr that is. Yea, pretty uneventful. I am trying to figure how to run a publishing company because that is something I want to pursue in the near future, planning for the maybe webseries I want to do and releasing a game book of the current rp I wrote. Well the thing is I don’t feel stuck anymore. I feel calm and open. I feel like something amazing is going to happen and honestly I can’t freaking wait.
The one thing that all people know is that life is difficult. When you get to a certain age it becomes even more difficult. Aside from loosing my job and being told I can’t come back to school until the summer my life hasn’t been the roughest thing as of late. The one thing though is that I am now face to face with some of the most difficult aspects of life- insecurities, realizations and decisions. The one thing about being in a slump is that you are faced with the harsh reality of yourself and there is no escaping who you are. You’ll have insecurities, fears and troubles. That is just apart of life, but you don’t have to feed into them. Over coming these things is hard, and terrifying. But we all have to man-up and take the power we need to make change. Taking power and making success out of that doesn’t mean we are or will be absolved of our past or our problems but it does mean that you’ve decided to not let that hold you back. Anyway in my life right now I am faced with many decisions and I am having a hard time choosing which path to take. Should I go to Virginia, should start my own web series, should I work on starting up my own publishing company, Design tattoos, or do this webcomic thing? Where should I move, who should I move in with? It is neverending, and I am just so confused. Maybe I need to just really talk it out with someone. Sometimes when you say something aloud you realize what it actually sounds like and that helps you make your decision, sometimes other peoples indecisiveness forces you to make a decision. I just want to be happy. I just don’t know what would be the best for me right now and still make me happy.
I found out that my college put me on academic suspension. I have yet to find out why being that my grade point average is above requirement and that I am on track with most my classes. Long story short I don’t think I will be attending classes this semester but I will not let it get me down. After all this gives me time to write and read and work a hell of a lot-after I find a new job- so that I may move out soon. Of course I felt like crap at first and I was super shocked and even though I felt like throwing in the towel and moving to Virgina with my best friend I decided that I wouldn’t let this go without a fight. I know life can sometimes really feel like nothing but a downward spiral like one thing after another goes wrong and no matter how much better it gets sometimes you always have a looming feeling that something shitty is about to happen, but life is never just down. In this life we fuck up, things go wrong, things happen. A lot of times it’s out of our control, but we always have opportunities to pick back up the pieces. Sure some pieces will get left behind, but that is the point; that’s life. Life is change and change means the end of one thing and the beginning of another. Don’t let the end of something stop you, let something new spring from the pieces that were left behind. We are flawed, life is flawed and that is what makes it beautiful. Just remember if you’re going through hell, keep going.
It has really dawned on me that all I really want to do with my life is write. This isn’t a recent realization but the more time that has passed the more I realize it. Sure I love to draw and paint, but writing is something I can and want to do all the time. I really want to do a web series, but I would need to find people with the equipment, software, passion and time. I don’t think finding actors would be a problem, everything else would be the real issue. This is something I will sit on for a little glean what I can about it and decide then what course of action I want to take.
December we didn’t play because I was too busy with school, but new years we did play but it was a horrible session. I had two of my friends play a couple of NPCs and maybe that is why it was so bad. Players were getting distracted, going off on tangents and starting up conversations in the middle of their turn. I was getting really annoyed but I pressed on, then most of my players just stopped and said they were done playing for right now. I decided to focus on Viola because she is off by herself at the moment but she too sparked up convos with other players and someone that wasn’t even playing. It was already bothering me that she wasn’t doing anything, literally. I would say “you wake up the next day right before twilight what do you want to do?”
She would be like “I don’t know……what do you want to happen?”
As a GM I cannot do that. You as the character have to progress the story I just tell you what is around you and what the results of your decisions are as well as playing NPCs, but it is up to you as a player to make decisions that keep the story flowing. Anyway my players pissed me off. So I stopped the game and had them do whatever.
I really like talking to strangers online. It fascinates me the things people will say to you when you are not face to face. in the past week I have been hit on by a married man in the army, someone a friend used to work with, and a gay couple. This doesn’t happen to me ever. I am always nice to people online unless they are being outright douches. I am not really interested in people online though it never goes anywhere further than conversation. I am going on a date though with my friends ex-coworker he is nice and I am kinda of looking forward to it. I don’t know if I will actually like him or not and I do have my eyes set on Michael- a guy I go to school with. Though I am not sure if he likes guys or not he is really nice and really cute. He says he isn’t gay and that he likes girls that doesn’t mean he isn’t bi. I cuddled with him at my friend new years party. He fell asleep during Ace Ventura and I kinda fell asleep on top of him. He woke up with a cramp in his leg and still made room for me on the couch. I moved though because I don’t know what he really wanted, so I thought I should just give him his space. Lately I have had a lot of male attention and it’s kinda nice.
So It is finals week and as an art student I get very nervous about final critique, and what do I do when I get nervous? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. My brain shuts off so I do everything but what I am suppose to be doing, because I really cannot bring myself to do what I need to until last minute. So here I stand tired,broken, but still I must press on.
Bilal calls out to Viola from the front door “Baby girl this door is locked too. What about the back?”
But gets no response.
"Viola!" he calls as heads to the kitchen, "Where you at?"
He passes the hall of the side door and steps into the kitchen, but nobodies there. He heads to the back door; locked like the others and calls out her name again. He walks back into the living room and the tv turns off. He takes a few steps back and looks at the side door then down the hallway passed the kitchen entrance to the bare wall on the other side. He hears footsteps from upstairs and makes his way to the base of the stairway. As clear as day he hear footsteps walking from one end of the hallway to the other. He for Viola but no response. He takes a deep breathe and heads up the stairs. With every step he takes it feel like he is walking on air just for a moment. As he reaches to top of the stairs he rubs his eyes that have become dry and looks down the hall almost forgetting what it was he was even looking for or why he was even there. As he walks down the hallway he passes by a few empty rooms- the only ones with no furniture-and stops in the doorway of a study at the very end. Directly across from him is a closet door to his left a series of large windows that line the wall behind a wooden desk. Across from the desk is a bookshelf, but it seems as if most of the books were taken and some even line the floor. as he steps in side he notices a storage cabinet next to the desk. He walks up to it, opens the doors and looks inside. To his surprise he find a shotgun, rifle and two pistols as well as salt, chains and locks. he hears what sounds like a muffled yell. Maybe Viola calling his name he thinks. He takes a few steps toward the door and listens for a few seconds.
"Viola!?" he calls, "Viola!"
The headlights of a car peer through the window as a car pulls in the driveway.
I was wondering for the longest time why there are not very many actual bloggers anymore, but when I started this I discovered why, and I tell you. It is very difficult with all the things people have to do and want to do to put in time to blog and even find a thought that is worth sharing. I mean fb and twitter are for those who usually don’t have anything significant to say, but want others to know what is going on in their everyday lives. We all have thoughts, but not every time we pensively thinking of something we feel the need to type it out, write it down or share it in any way. Also people are lazy. most of the time we are looking for entertainment in visual stimuli such as photography, art, videos and gifs, That way we don’t have to work so hard, because sometime our brain so no too much for right now so we shut down(in a way)when we see something longer than a paragraph. I do it. Most people do, which is why we have so many “photo blogs” now. I really hope that in the future I can post something at least once a day. We’ll see.